Chris Evans' posting as Top Gear presenter rouses witchcraft acolytes from eternal slumber.
Mythos watchers the world over have issued a warning to their fellow citizens, alerting them of portals to the hellish underworld opening across the planet. Originally discussed in the Cthulhu stories of HP Lovecraft during the early twentieth century, it's long been anticipated that when three mighty forces of appalling wankerism join together, all hell will be unleashed and the world will be overrun with ghastly, demonic aberrations.
With a rapid and consistent gain in momentum, the union of two mighty forces of gruesome media horror have effectively become a monstrous version of perpetual motion. Growing more horrific by the second, it's only a short matter of time before the third and final piece of this damning triage of hell becomes complete, ushering in the an age of catastrophic destruction throughout the known universe, effectively ending life as we know it with the awakening of the timeless ones.
With a rapid and consistent gain in momentum, the union of two mighty forces of gruesome media horror have effectively become a monstrous version of perpetual motion. Growing more horrific by the second, it's only a short matter of time before the third and final piece of this damning triage of hell becomes complete, ushering in the an age of catastrophic destruction throughout the known universe, effectively ending life as we know it with the awakening of the timeless ones.
Chris Evans - Tentacle-based harbinger of doom.
Top Gear: Metaphor for lowest common denominator?
Dr. Jessica Haskins, head lecturer of the Faculty of Occultism at Innsmouth University, said in a statement to the worlds' media.
"When an unholy trio of such horrific twatism manifests itself in physical form, the whole dimension we exist in will have to pay the price. The only hope for salvation in this whole sordid business is to bank on media reports that the third piece of the jigsaw puzzle, this additional mystery co-presenter will be female. Otherwise there's a highly plausible reason to believe that former presenter Jeremy Clarkson will not only peel his skin off, showing his true horrific form, but will more than likely act as a succubus by impregnating another denizen of media horror."
Rumour mill suggests Jeremy Kyle to become Co-Presenter.
Naturally, fight-bait talk-show host Jeremy Kyle is top of the list of potential co-presenters, so a precautionary ring of salt has been circled around him and sacred symbols painted on the doors to his Norwich TV studio. Whether that'll be a strong enough deterrent is yet to be seen, but speculation regarding the Clarkson/Kyle parasitic melding has intimated that they'll become infinitely stronger than the sum of their parts. This will naturally put the despicable union into pole position for taking over co-presenter duties.
Professor of Occultism and Fatalistic Thinking at the Arkham Institute for Desolate Souls, Prof. Rory Walker continued. "Needless to say, the combination of Top Gear, Chris Evans, and the possessed soul of Jeremy Kyle will be the perfect incantation for welcoming not only the dark lord Cthulhu himself, but a mythical plagues of locusts, and an eternal suffering for all mankind. Fingers crossed they choose someone who can balance out this travesty. I'm hoping they chose Cheryl Cole. Whichever way we look at it though, we're basically fucked."
0 comments:
Post a Comment