Phone Wanted

Wanted!  Phone!  

Have you - Yes YOU, got a snazzy phone lying around gathering dust that you could sell to me - Yes ME, because I'm a pillock and broke mine yesterday.  "It's only a blemish" you might say, and yes, your'e right, it's just a cracked screen.  However, the charger plug socket thingy, and the audio plug socket thingy don't work, and it's really slow, and the stokers that keep the fires burning inside it are apparently either on strike or on holiday, so consequently there's no vigour in the steam that should be pushing the internal pistons.  Knock on effect is that the cogs' teeth are rounding off, the gears are out of alignment, the head gaskets on its last legs and the operating system's appears to be engaging in a semiconscious state of self disbelief.  Who knew that a mobile cellular communication system could become sentient through its own inertia?  I don't know if this is taking physics to a whole new level or not, maybe it's just a hypothesis that really should exist on the periphery of philosophy and psychology or maybe it's something entirely different?  I'll have to get in touch with me old mucker' 'awkins, and ask him.  

End of days

Anyway the upshot is that the crumbling wreck that's desiccating in my hand is frankly on its last legs and I'd like to replace it with a new one. Preferably one that doesn't give me the risk of slicing my ear with shards of shattered glass every time I call the speaking clock.

Many thanks everyone,