Ladies Day at Ascot dominated by hat crime.
The dark underbelly of Ladies Day at Ascot was laid bare this afternoon with the startling revelation that a headwear mafioso assert an iron-fisted control on over 90% of the scalps of well-to-do horse-racing enthusiasts.
Intimidated into wearing hat.
Threatening hat makes wearer pay.
"I wanted to wear a delicate lace and hollyhock fascinator which should have cost around £30" said race-goer Lady Jessica Has-Kins of Knowlington Manor, "But was threatened by a mean looking leather-studded sailors cap into parting with close to £250 for an ostentatious and frankly quite over-balanced bonnet with about 80 giant plastic sunflowers on it sprawling out in all directions like an evil merry-go-round. I felt so intimidated that I had to wear it, and now I fear that I've only encouraged this dreadful behaviour further".
Encouraging criminal activity.
Hat stand-off.
Regular Ascot attendee and bandanna enthusiast Sir. R. Wal-Ker of Knowlebury Acre's Estate added; "I've seen a dramatic uptick in raffish hat behaviour over the last couple of years, Stetson's getting too big for their boots, Flat-Caps throwing their weight around, Veils demanding cigarettes and petty cash from passers-by, even a Fez pimping out a group of Bowlers for £30 a trick behind the Queen's private box. It's a complete disgrace; an event like this should be utterly elitist, not ruined by organised gangs of roguish headgear."
Criminal master-mind.
Milliners Shortbread.
A special Police Task Force has been set up to help combat the criminal elements that are currently ruining the magic of what has traditionally been a very special day on the posh calendar. Codenamed Milliners Shortbread and comprising of twelve specially trained Bobbies Helmets, the unit aims to unpick the stitching that surrounds the veil of silence in Ascot Hat Crime. "Posh people have a right to look like pillocks if they so chose", says Constable Bibbly Bobble leader of the elite outfit, "And it's our duty to ensure that they maintain that right without fear of recrimination."
Bobbies helmets on the beat.
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